The Geek Queen (thegamemistress) wrote in roleplayers,
The Geek Queen
thegamemistress
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(Humour) Those were the days...

I don't know if this has been posted here before or not. It was first e-mailed to me sometime in the mid-1990s. I thought it might be good for a chuckle or three.

You know you're in the (old) World of Darkness when...

  • a Catholic priest starts his sermon with the words, "Bow your FUCKING HEAD!!! Let us pray!"
  • every other car that turns the corner is a new sports car with some bad-ass behind the wheel
  • that same bad-ass rams that new sports car into the side of a building because he botched his damn roll.
  • lightning does occasionally strike on a clear night.
  • a city block is destroyed because a 'gas main' blew.
  • that same city block is completely repaired the next week.
  • you're the only one in a club because every other person has Obfuscate and is using it and you don't.
  • every person you meet on the street is a Mage, Werewolf, or Vampire pretending to be human.
  • people just fall out of the sky and land next to you...(Malkavians who thought they could fly, so they jumped from a plane at 20,000 feet).
  • if you have every heard, "OK, I am going to jump off the roof and right before I hit the ground I'm going to Earth Meld."
  • there are over thirteen Vampire Clans fighting to secretly control humanity
  • there are a bunch of mages casting spells and fighting the Technocracy, which also happens to be secretly controlling humanity.
  • shapechangers are fighting the Wyrm-controlled Pentex Corporation - which also, coincidentally, secretly controls humanity.
  • there are wraiths and the Fae running around, if not trying to control humanity, then at least interfere with it.
  • there are numerous other wackos, religious cults and terrorist organizations, all trying to kill something.
  • and this is the kicker...despite all of this, humanity, in general, does not have a f*cking clue as to what is happening right under their noses.
  • the mortal Goths out number the rest of the population two to one.
  • the word "Prince" does not make you think of the son of a king first.
  • a witness says "It looked like some big guy in a wolf costume" to the cop asking questions.
  • the cops are always two minutes late in getting to the scene of the crime, and the person at fault has long since left.
  • the magic show in Las Vegas is real, and no one but his friends know.
  • white tigers are more common than orange ones. (Khan Bastet in [one] group’s games)
  • Stephen King and other horror fiction authors have nothing on the "real" world.
  • New York is safe in the streets around Central Park.
  • you can blame the last post's lack of content on Nosferatu Hackers, instead of a screwup.
  • the revolutionaries with no Resources and no fixed address have cell phones and e-mail.
  • Night Court handles things like traffic tickets.
  • you realize even the podunk towns have stores that are all open until 10:00 pm.
  • the liquor board never checks up on complaints about funny-tasting red "wine"
  • the Department of Public Health issues concerned statements about mass anemia among the poor and downtrodden.
  • you wake up in a small dark room and you're dead.
  • you can find a gun shop open 24/7
  • you see a man piss on the ground and sidestep reality.
  • every club is open till sunrise.
  • you see a man running down the street, trip, and stake himself on a toothpick.
  • you see a man take two full Uzi clips into the chest, two grenades in the back, a sword through his side, and a knife in the head and all he says is "Ouch, that kinda itches a little.."
  • the moon is full every time you can actually see it through all the rolling, thunderous storm clouds.
  • nobody figures out that the bloody Tremere headquarters is located in the 100-plus-floor-skyscraper made out of black marble and covered with gargoyles which seem to have changed position every time you look at them.
  • vampires look more alive than normal people, because they actually try to look like normal people, while the normal people try to look like vampires. It gets confusing sometimes.
  • nobody thought The Crow had a dark and brooding atmosphere or a Gothic feel to it. "It was very realistic," people say.
  • conversations don't begin with 'How was your day?' but 'How many people did you kill today?'
  • the leading cause of death in the world is exsanguination.
  • half the dead people you know still drop by for a visit every once in a while.
  • there are no human-owned companies.
  • repressed memories are the most common psychological problem, due to the Veil, Delirium, Dominate 3, etc.
  • Fox Mulder is the head of the FBI.
  • everyone you know has Appearance 5 or 6 but you.
  • your son finds it necessary to "battle the Wyrm" every goddamn night
  • half the population disappears during the day
  • the government invests in extraterrestrial-detecting glasses and uses them on senators
  • the congress investigates the president to find where THEY can find good hookers for a reasonable price
  • you're a serial killer and your victim ate you
  • you try to take candy from a baby and get shot
  • you can swear you smell a rotting corpse but it is just the local panhandlers
  • every black leather coat is sold out.
  • Luxembourg is located in Scandinavia.
  • vampires in Denmark have trouble with "Midnight Sun"
  • every episode of The Twilight Zone is a lame documentary film.
  • The "Dinner is Served" man looks an awful lot like the leather nut from Pulp Fiction.
  • every potentially instructive topic is presented as a "dark and mysterious secret".
  • your writing does not compensate for your absolute lack of knowledge in geography and demographics.
  • you can go on to say: "Hey! It is my idea! I know where I want to go with this!" and people pay you for it.
  • shining wealth and third world poverty crowd together in a single city.
  • corporations buy and sell lives like POGs.
  • psychotic militant groups and fringe religious cults throw hatred and violence at people who don't deserve it.
  • personal success is proportional to the amount of people you step on.
  • you regularly hear sirens off in the distance every five minutes.
  • you can learn a lot about life by just talking to a street prostitute.
  • the weather forecast goes along these lines - "Cloudy. Chance of rain. Pretty much the same for the rest of the week."
  • you hear your next door neighbor beating up on his wife/kid/dog on a regular basis.
  • Walking to and from work is an exercise in hoping you get there safely.
  • The tabloids are more believable than regular newspapers.
  • There are several really cool nightclubs where Goths hang out.
  • you at least once woke up somewhere not knowing how you got there. You feel slightly drained and you neck hurts...
  • the head of the art gallery looks at you funny and keeps calling you "mortal".
  • the obituaries take up more room in the paper than the stock reports.
  • your town has the following: cemetery, occult shop, Gothic-looking art museum, more cemeteries, gun shops, knife shops, sword shops, cemeteries, and four blood banks, for a population of 3500 and falling.
  • everyone on the street has a poorly-concealed shotgun underneath their long trenchcoat.
  • pigeons try to crap on church statues and they get their heads ripped off. (Gargoyles, if you didn't get that one)
  • every radio station plays nothing but Switchblade Symphony, Type O Negative, Rosetta Stone, Fields of Nephlim, and Eva O Hallo.
  • every motorcycle is either a Harley, or "That cool one from Crow 2".
  • every suit is accented with lace and ruffles, a cane (with a sword inside it), a cape, and a top hat.
  • you see forty to fifty rats running down the street in a tight pack in the same direction, and it doesn't bother you the least bit.
  • you go to see John Carpenter's Vampires, and the whole movie you keep hearing people saying, "What a moron! I can do that ten times better than he can!"
  • your grandmother wants you to start dating "some nice, human girl"
  • The Rocky Horror Picture Show manages to launch the careers of several stars, like Susan Sarandon, Tim Curry and Barry Bostwi...never mind...
  • every one of us who has ever accessed this web site is murdered in our sleep for "knowing too much"
  • the only time a city gets any sunshine, it's for the surreal awe and innocence scene just before it gets obliterated by a pissed-off Mage with Forces 5/Prime 2
  • Everybody wears fedoras and trenchcoats with a bulge at the side.
  • Kids in Third World countries are working as fast as they can to dye clothes black.
  • A body with half the blood gone, and no wounds, comes rolling into the morgue and nobody is surprised.
  • You stub your toe on the street, and a guy in a black cape with an Omega symbol clasp appears out of an alley, holding a gun, muttering something about "Returning to the Wheel..."
  • Poe, Shelly, Byron, and Lovecraft are put in the non-fiction section at the library.
  • The Pale Biker Thugs run away when you introduce yourself as "David Giovanni."
  • You see an ad in a local tabloid for Dr. Vladimir's scalpel-less cosmetic surgery.
  • Half of the people you interview for the job as the Driver of the Red Cross "Blood Mobile" say they can't work day hours.
  • There are at least a half-dozen abandoned Gothic Cathedrals in the city.
  • Everybody in the city has, at least once, seen a wild dog attack; woken up pale and tired after picking somebody up in a club; or had a bad dream about big blue people with hammers after scolding a six year-old that there are no monsters under the bed.



x-posted to wod_lj and my own journal
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