February 16th, 2002


Reprinted from 665.com

Diary of a Dungeons and Dragons Character

Dear Diary,
I have to piss. I can think of nothing else anymore. This has been going on for far longer than anyone would be able to endure, and yet I do. I persist, I continue. I have killed three dragons, rescued countless maidens, found more treasure than I ever could have imagined, and all these accomplishments count for nothing, because I cannot enjoy any of it. I spend all of my free time trying to comprehend why it is that this has happened to me. It feels as though there is some unseen force controlling my actions, and this particular unseen force seems to have forgotten that I am a human being and have bodily functions. I am treated no better than an animal - and yet, an animal may urinate as, and where, he pleases. I am afforded no such luxury, for luxury it would surely be - the sweet glory and relief of letting that golden stream fly. Oh God, I must not think about it, or I would surely weep.

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I seem to have every adventure possible, except for the one I yearn for so much - an adventure to the privy. It is not to be, apparently. Yet I eat. I drink. I have gone to more fucking taverns in the last handful of months alone than anyone ever goes to in their entire goddamned fucking life (and at every single one, I seem to meet someone important. What the hell?). And in that time, oh, the beer I have drunk. Suspiciously, I have not actually gotten intoxicated, not once, and yet I drink. So, so much. More mugs of beer than I could ever recount, and not once have I relieved myself. I feel as though I am going to explode, and yet, impossibly, I live on.

Today, one of my teammates was killed. A childhood friend of mine, whose parents for some reason named him Ravenwood Blademoon. A retarded name, to be sure, but no less so than the rest of my teammates. He was killed. I could not weep. I shed no tears. In fact, deep down I feel good - I envy him. I know that he has gone to his final reward, where no doubt he is pissing up a storm. If only I were so lucky. I no longer desire to live. All I want is to take a whiz.

While I'm at it, I really have to shit too.
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